So as to lessen the emotional load of that deep, insightful post Charmaine submitted yesterday, here’s some random crap I pulled out of my ass at the last minute in an attempt to beat the posting deadline of midnight tonight.

Diamonds are not a girl’s best friend. Nor are chocolates, flowers or money. A horse will generally perform well as a best friend, but in the case of this post, it’s the hairdryer.

The hairdryer is not just a lifeless tool that you reluctantly pull out and assemble every couple of days; this is proven with the list below. I have this particularly shiny model that allows for a range of temperatures and settings (plus a bonus of fancy ionic operations that nobody but Dr. Griffin will understand) and you’re probably going to need all three functions if you’re to be attempting anything from this list.

Cooling your Mac

My iMac can reach temperatures of 60°C – and that’s on a good day. On bad days, it’s probably hot enough for me to set up an omelette bar at my desk. I don’t think leaving it on for days at time helps much, but setting your hairdryer on ‘cool’ and blasting away at the smooth aluminium framework will do wonders to cool down your computer.

Drying shoes

For your late-night hockey matches when you arrive home at 10 PM after dashing around for hours on poorly-laid Happy Valley pitches. Your shoes will be filled with loose tufts of pitch grass, mud and tears – and yes, I’ll admit a generous portion of that solution consists of another bodily fluid (even though girls don’t sweat; they glow). If they aren’t dried properly before storing them in the shoe cupboard, cockroaches will deem your cozy, damp shoes a worthy place to mate. True story.

Blowdrying hair

Because it has to be said. Moving on:

Waxing

Okay, so this is specifically for females … unless there are curious guys out there, especially those who blurt out that they are personally self-conscious about their hairy legs in the middle of Chemistry. You know who you are ……… Clifford.
The hot air is perfect for both melting the wax and widening your pores, so you don’t completely rip your skin off.

Lessening cramps. That’s right.

Specifically for females, no exceptions here.
Despite the fact that period cramps are supposedly uncommon, I don’t actually know of anybody who doesn’t suffer from them every four weeks. So for the days when you can’t get up – and I am dead serious – reach out for your hairdryer (precisely why I keep mine by the bed) and aim a strong blast of hot air directly at your uterus; it should relieve you of enough pain to hobble to the bathroom and then to promptly collapse back into bed and take the day off school + swimming.

If you have any other insights into more functions for a common household hairdryer, drop a comment so I can update this post or something. Otherwise, I’m out. Back to Chemistry homework we go.